Blooper's Ramblings

Emotional Counter-terrorism

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, which is basically just a lot goal planning. I’ve made some “action steps” to achieve my new goals but it goes without saying that there is something I never really got around to be thinking about till last night and the night before. I thought of something pretty spectacular that I would like to share. I’m not sure who came up with the original idea of this follow line of wisdom and feel free to plagiarize or steal this one from me if this is truly original (sharing is caring! lol):

“Worry not in the face of danger but worry about being in the face of oneself.”

I’ve been thinking of past experiences of my life that haven’t turned out so well, just trying to figure out what was my contribution to those altercations were: good, bad and ugly. Back to my original thought, the idea of having to deal with oneself in the face of conflict seems sort of absurd, but truth be told if I want to deal with conflict effectively I need to both adapt to another person’s way of handling conflict AND planning against my flaws that affect my communication (ahead of time). 

I believe a lot of people have their own self destructive habits & are very good at hiding them. Others not so much. So, kicking my pride in the trashcan I came up with a square one to tackle my rare flaw… First, what makes me a terrible communicator? Where do I come up short? Second, why do I act this peculiar way? What is the main cause of this trigger? Third, in what way would I rather be? Which leads to the last question: What is the plan for achieving this? With the help of a friend of mine I came up with what I call my own personal “emotional counter-terrorism”, kinda silly if you ask me. Criticize me if you will, but when push comes to shove I strongly believe I’m better equipped than I ever was before.

I first asked myself the set of questions I mentioned above. Next, I came up with a few situations where this flaw would emerge and how would I handle it to the best of my ability. The only problem is I can’t exactly determine how useful it is till a situation actually occurs, but I have hope. It’s a lot better than nothing. Have you ever had an idea like, “man I could just stop smoking if I do this this and this” but could never get the plan in motion? My thoughts bounce around in my head in an disordered fashion when I have some creative ideas, and then what happens as a result? Nothing.

Any who, finally writing this stuff down, I feel a lot more confident that I’ll be a lot more successful when the next altercation arises. Life happens and it’s unavoidable; it doesn’t matter who started it but how you finish it. People always say “Hope for the best, plan for the worst” or “don’t predict the future, plan for it.” As far as the another saying goes, I am definitely more safe than sorry now.

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Interesting side-note: In the movie Legion, the archangel Michael comes down to help save humanity against the angels who come to initiate an apocalypse. Their first test against the enemy was one of strength. The second was a test of their weaknesses. Are you prepared against your weakness(es)? Will you take up a similar challenge like the one I have set for myself? The ball is in your court, what will you do?

Impossible Shoes to Fill

What you’re about to read is NSFW, and I don’t mean a horrible mispell of the Need for Speed: World acronym. If you don’t like the truth this blog isn’t for you.

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Interesting

Well this has been an interesting week: (a) my 3-year relationship with my ex ended within less than a moment, (b) I’m more than certain I’m close to getting a job in Tacoma, (c) I’ve rediscovered an old friendship that’s spontaneous and entertaining and (d) I will be moving out sometime soon after this Tuesday, I hope. Fingers crossed on the uncertain & changing future; can’t wait for the move if all goes well. The thought of being close to campus will be super bad @$$ »D

You know, it’s kinda funny, you’d think “Oh wow look how great you’re doing now that you’re single!” No, there’s not really any difference really. I’ve been doing what I’ve been doing and only by sheer luck it’s gaining some momentum and fruition for a change. I mean, a reborn friendship with someone I once knew, and the rest of all I said in a week? That’s one serious turn around; economically speaking, one hell of a return on investment if u ask me. Only took what? Losing all my close/proximity friends, nearly losing the house which I live in with my mom and two sisters, and losing my last real relationship to finally be getting a sense of decency around here. Other people are finally acknowledging my worth and how hardworking I am. Finally have at least one real friend that understands how serious I take the truth including all of which/where I’m coming on certain quirks of mine. Which almost goes to not mentioning the rest of the stuff which is all fine and dandy, such as living closer to campus and maybe getting work near there… This just seems a little surreal, coincidental and… aggravating. Aggravating because of the turn around *shrug* Can’t wait to live in Tacoma. Gah! Excited

GOTCHA

Yep, I wasn’t gonna post on tumblr but something happened. You know what, I’m fine with it and I hope you are too. If not well, you need to stop freaking out because guess what. [Stuff] happens. For good reasons, bad reasons, and very strange ones. And when people lie, it sucks. But… and give me a moment as I look for the line in my Bible where I got the quote from…

OK here it is. Different translations will say it differently for sure. In the new living testament adaption of the King James Bible, Ecclesiastes 1:18, “The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.” I think this is why people prefer lying or being lied to. Maybe, and I seriously hope not as per my experience. For myself I loathe that illusion; I think it’s unnecessary. And I will agree to disagree to those who do disagree because in your defense, and I’ve been on this side once before too, some things are better left unsaid because they a) are not important because they only have to do with material (physical or concrete/non-abstract) things or b) it happened a long time ago. It’s tough. Sometimes you’re in the situation where you have to decide your moral/actual duty; do you tell the truth about breaking a promise, or lie and give the illusion you’re keeping the promise, pray to God they don’t find out, and then hope to get past the regrets you feel. Maybe you’ll make it up to them. Maybe not, it’s your call. It all depends on the situation right?

Things just get more and more comical to me, I swear. If there’s one thing I can count on, if life bites me on the [butt], it shows me a clip from America’s Funniest Home Videos, for example, right afterwards trying to cheer me up. So I figure this to tie in everything together: The truth hurts, yes. However, it doesn’t have to kill because the goddess Veritas curses you so that everyone is blabbing their mouths around you (great sixth season Supernatural episode by the way). So here’s the proposal. In leadership you either lead, follow, or get out of the way. Then you should attempt to approach truth the same way: be true to yourself and others (lead), be open to the truth and listen well (follow), and become apathetic to the truth when the subject is out of your control with your newfound knowledge (get out of the way). The last part is the hardest, when there’s nothing you can do.

Dear Lord, thank you for today, and the tomorrows to come because today is now yesterday. You have provided myself and countless others with a life that has yet to end, or truly begin. Let it be known that integrity is a learned character trait, not something you’re born with. Truth is a weapon, sharper than any sword we’re proficient with, and with Your help, we can cut a path to the Garden we seek our peace in. Amen.

Last tumblr post

I haven’t written in a while and a lot of things have been going on. A ton. Some things got better, some worse, some not easy to cope to a new change. I do want to keep writing since it’s one of the few personal hobbies I have, but I just can’t write publicly anymore. Maybe I’ll keep writing privately on tumblr or just jot down in a notebook while I ride the crazy bus to school every day. I don’t know.

I had a blog post I tried to write about a week or so after my last one but I hit a roadblock. And then life got stranger. I lost some dear friends. My girlfriend and I broke up because… well I won’t get into that. Past few days have been kinda rough, first I was really sad, then angry, pretty angry. Then I pestered a family I care about because I was hurt really badly. I took it out on them unjustly, they’ll probably never forgive me. And it’s in their right if they wish not to do so regardless of the circumstances. They’re good people. If I have any regrets is letting my anger get the best of me because I’ve never been hurt like that in my entire life… I’m really sorry and I don’t know what else they can ask of me to make it up for them but stay away.

I wrote a wishlist a while ago and if there’s one wish I’d like to tack on there is to have her back. I love her. Not loved, love her. I have a clear understanding now what truly tore us apart and it hurts a lot… I mean as much clarity as I have on the situation now, you can’t just push down all those memories in the blink of an eye:

How we wanted to more pictures of us, especially to put on facebook.. I have a few on my phone, when we were at the blink-182 concert, on the grass outside her house, when we went to my lil sis’s concert with my mom, when I went camping with her family… but I’m not sure if she would appreciate me doing that…
How we planned our life together outside our homes so we have something to look forward to, just for fun. Where to live, who’s paying for what, what needs to be covered before we get our feet wet.
How she put me first, when a lot of the times she shouldn’t have, because she cares about me.. it puts a lot of tears to my eyes because I don’t know how to tell her how much I appreciated and love her for that.
How she would tell it like it is because sometimes I would need to see the point even when a point would allude me at first.
How we did our best to put up with each others pet peeves to respect each other, so we didn’t fight about the stupid things that don’t even matter,like chores, to apologize after interruptions, let the other speak their mind before adding your own voice, to be clearer on the “signals” because we weren’t the best at understanding them sometimes.
How I put 100% of myself into the relationship to show her how much I loved her. To console her, to put her before my friends because she mattered more to me since she was my best friend. To be there in any way I could because when I look at her I knew I could be the one for her and her to me.

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I’m sorry if those who read this see I’m breaking a promise and I’m still pestering you. I hope you understand that I’m human like you; we make mistakes that are hard to forgive. If He can do it then so can we…

Time is a static, constant thing. It’s always stuck on first gear and doesn’t change gears in reverse to do a re-do. I’ll move on eventually as this time machine slowly goes through this intersection, but I’ll never forget her and her family. Things never stay the same… I hope she comes back to me.

Any who, this is my last post. No more excitement, happiness, sadness, anger or any expression of any kind to apply publicly here anymore. I’m not sure if I’ll take down my tumblr or just stop writing to it. I’ll probably just stick to the basics of a journal; my thoughts will stay private from now on. I’m thinking of writing a book that her and I thought of writing together, or I’ll just collaborate all the writings I’ve written on here to make my own novel of some sort. I don’t know. Time will only tell. Just gotta be patient, right?